I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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