I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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