if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
