we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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