...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
