Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
