My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
