I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize