Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
