New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I smell like Dick and happiness
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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