Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
