there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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