Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
she told me i tasted like america
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
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We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
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You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
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