Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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