Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
