somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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