They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
