I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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