Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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