Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
