3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
