Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
