Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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