i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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