so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
