You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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