I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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