You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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