I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
