i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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