the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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