update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
