How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
