There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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