i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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