Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
