I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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