I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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