someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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