headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
you made out with another girl for some wings
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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