Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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