fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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