your parents love me but you hate me
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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