I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
