Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
