we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
