Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
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I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
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Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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