How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We don't watch enough power rangers
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
