He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
