saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
