the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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