imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
