Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
