I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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