Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
