how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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